Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I think when you are a stripper you always have certain customers that you remember, that stick out for you even after they are long gone.
For me, that one customer that I remember was this big fat guy; I think he was from Boston. I was actually waitressing back then (remember, I've only been taking my clothes off for total, not even two weeks). Anyways, it was a Thursday night, and I remember this because the last Thursday of every month the club I worked at had Taboo Night. What this meant was that the employees and dancers had to dress up in "fetishwear," for the strippers this meant big black plasticky looking boots with buckles and black lingerie sets. My taboo outfit was a black pleather skirt with a zip that went all the way down the front and a red corset. I'm not trying to sound vain, but I looked hot in that outfit. In the back, the club set up a stake that the dancers could get tied to and whipped. One time there was even this latex thing that customers and dancers coud get sucked into or something so they were being suffocated. I don't know the exact dynamics of it. And we had drink specials with names like Tie Me to the Bedpost or Liquid Cocaine.
So, it was about the end of the night and I had a hoodie over my red corset because it was cold, and I was getting ready to clean up. The hoodie was pink and had the name of my undergraduate school on it. Not very taboo, right?
This guy sits down in the back. A stripper, her name was Wenesday, after the Addam's family, sits down next to him. Wenesday is goth chick hot, like super skinny and pale with tons of tattooes and flaming red hair. I go up to the table, ask what they would want to drink. Wenesday orders her usual, Tequila Sunrise with Patron, and the guy orders two of something, I forget what. So I bring the drinks back and he gulps them down. Like literally downs the two drinks in a matter seconds, gulpgulpgulp without stopping. I just stare at him. Then he starts talking to me about my hoodie. The name of my alma mater is actually a fort that George Washington lost in the Revolutionary War. So the conversation goes something like this:
Him: "You know that Fort ____ was actually one of George Washington's losses during the Revolutionary War?"
Me: "Oh yeah, I think I've heard something about that. It's actually the name of the school I went to. This hoodie is from there."
Then he starts telling me about the Revolutionary War. I tell him I was actually a history major in college. By this time, I am sufficiently interested in him to sit down and talk a little about history. Now, when I was a waitress, I usually never sat down and talked to customers. I figured this was the stripper's job, and I would rather make money slinging drinks. But like I said, this guy was actually fairly interesting, and it was the end of the night, so I figured why the heck not.
Wenesday is listening to the conversation, occassionally adding something, but mostly it's just me and him talking. Then Wenesday gets called to the stage. By this time, I can tell the guy really likes me, and I'm thinking I can make some money off of him. Some other late night customers trickle in, and since I am the only waitress, usually I should spring up, greet them, and serve them their drinks. But I don't, I sit and talk to Mr. History Buff. I get up and brink him two more drinks and he gulps them down, one after the other. I tell him this is impressive. He says it's not and he's actually an alcoholic. "Oh," I say, a little awkwardly.
Wenesday gets off stage and sits back down at our table. He practically forces another Tequila Sunrise on her. By this time, he is telling me he loves my eye makeup and keeps calling me a "raven-haired beauty."
Rachael comes by our table and taps me on the shoulder, whispers in my ear. "Hey you have customers coming in. Go take care of them, then you can sit and talk."  But then someone, Wenesday or the guy, mentions doing a room. And then it becomes clear to Rachael that the guy reallyreally likes me. So of course, fuck the other customers. Rachael, Wenesday, the guy, and I all troop into the elevator to take us up to the VIP floor.
We get off and the first person we see is the VIP host, Drew. Drew and Wenesday used to fuck, which is something that Wenesday mentioned to the guy when we were on the first floor. The guy then mentions this to Drew, says something about him being good in bed. Everyone immediately freezes up, Drew says "Oh god," and leaves (because it is clear now that he can't do the tour), and Wenesday has this look on her face like ohmygodican'tbeleivehejustsaidthat. So Rachael does the tour and I kind of hang back.
The guy chooses to do one of the more expensive rooms, with a $300 bottle of Absolut. I get him to sign his reciept properly, scratching him on the back while he calls me his "raven-haired beauty." He tells Drew that he is gay, insults a regular standing by the bar and tells him he looks like David Crosby. "Fuck all of you, the only one I like is her," he says, pointing at me. Then he points his finger at Rachael. "And I don't trust you. You like like Dakota Fanning."
The guy is a trip and clearly hard to handle. The only one he likes is me. Rachael gets him to buy around 8 $30 shots of Patron Platinum and adds a couple Red Bulls on his tab without his knowledge for us to drink after he gets into the room. By now, with the room, the bottle,and the ultra premium shots of Patron Platinum, his tab is around $2,000. "I'm doing this for you. This is all for you," the guy tells me after signing his tab, as though I am going to marry him because he's spent a fortune on overpriced alcohol and strippers. I get a commisson off of the bottle, but the VIP bartender is the one that rang up the Platinum, so she is getting the automatic gratuity off of the shots. And Wenesday is getting the funny money from the room. I am irritated because I am the one he likes best, yet I am making the least money. And I am too polite to tell him to tip me, so he doesn't. Doesn't tip the bartender either.
As Rachael rings up the extra Red Bulls, Shay, the funny money girl, whispers in my ear. "Oh god we are going to stripper hell. Hell probably has a pole where we can spin on, made just for strippers." The guy and Wenesday go into the room, and I stay upstairs because I figure I can maybe make some more money. By this time, Rachael is happy with me and doesn't really care that there isn't a waitress to clean up downstairs. So after a while I wonder back into the room.
The guy perks up. Wenesday, releived, says, "He's been asking for his raven haired beauty this whole time." So I sit with them, hold the guy's hand. Wenesday pours me some Absolut as the guy tells me how much he likes me blahblahblah. I get drunk and Wenesday leaves, but Rachael tells her to go back in because waitresses aren't supposed to be alone in a room with a customer. Then the hour is up, and Drew comes in. "Do you want to go again?" The guy looks at me. "Whatever she wants." So I nod yes, and Drew asks what kind of champagne we would like. Again, the guy defers to me, so I tell him Krug White Label, the most expensive champagne we have. This time, my commission is significantly larger because of the bottle, and Shay forces him to tip me $300.
And somehow, Rachael has convinced him into paying both Wenesday and Fiona, another stripper, to stay in the room with him and me so I am not by myself. Weneseday leaves after a little, but Fiona stays. All three of us are trashed off of the champagne and the Absolut. The guy keeps asking if he can watch the movie Gladiator on the TV in our room. Fiona tells me I am the queen bee. I like Fiona a lot; she is queen of the strippers and will make money no matter what. I run out of the room to see Rachael getting off the elevator, holding a plastic bag filled with takeout containers from the bar around the corner. She has bought us breakfast, consisting of corndogs and fries, because it is 8 in the morning and her sales as manager tonight are through the roof because of this guy. "Rachael," I run up to her, giggling hysterically, "this guy is in love with me." I am ecstatic because of the money I have made and the alcohol and the fact that I have made Rachael money. "You're drunk?" she asks me, but not disapprovingly, with a tiny smile on her face. I run back to the room with the food and we eat it. Funny enough, I only take off my top one time in the room, when I straddle the guy for a couple second and shove my boobs in his face. The rest of the time, I am fully clothed and wearing a baggy college hoodie.
 After, Fiona tries to get me to get the guy to go again, but he is too drunk by this point and can barely stand. Shay tells me to hide in the stairwell so the guy can leave, because otherwise he will keep talking to me. Fiona and I check out with Rachael, and Fiona gives me a hundred dollars of her funny money, becuase without me she would not have made this much. Fiona is always fair.
Fiona, Drew, and I walk out into the bright New Orleans sunlight and Drew gives us a ride to our cars. I wake up that afternoon with a hangover and a tummyache because of the fries and corndog, but I am happy, pleased with myself.
Later that night, I am at work again, and the guy shows up, sober this time. He orders a bottle of water from me and asks if he can take me out to breakfast. Tells me he like my eye makeup again. But I shake my head, say I don't meet guys outside the club. He is disapointed, gives me a twenty and tells me to keep the change for the $7 bottled water, and leaves.
And that is one of those guys that I will never forget.

1 comment:

  1. This is all for you," the guy tells me after signing his tab, as though I am going to marry him because he's spent a fortune on overpriced alcohol and strippers.

    I love that sentence.