Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Quick update. I worked Monday night and made $250, and it was dead=yay! The next night I work is Friday, and the manager gave me a schedule for the month of October (remember I said they have to fit me in whereever until November when they make the new schedule). I'm pretty sure I work 9 days in October, which is fine b/c I'm feeling like 12 days (3 days a week) per month is gonna be my limit b/c of school, etc. I gave two guys lapdances. The first one was really cool; he was Dutch and I hung out with him for awhile and genuinely enjoyed talking to him, which is rare. He tipped me $20 on top of the two dances he bought and bought me a mini champagne (remember I get $10 off of each champagne I sell).
Then I danced for another guy, twice, who kept asking me if I was coming when I was dancing or if I had already came. I mean, sorry but I don't really get off on thrusting my hips against fat old guys, but he seemed to get SUPER into it and excited about the idea of me coming, so I lied and told him I came. At first, though, I told him I could only come using a vibrator (lol I'm really honest), but he seemed to really want me to tell him I had come. I left work drunk and happy Monday night and didn't get home 'till super late b/c the train I was supposed to go home on was broken or something so I had to take the bus to the next stop, etc. Whatever I was exhausted. Oh! And my manager, the one that hired me, keeps giving me $10 every time I work "for good luck." Except he doesn't do this to any of the other dancers, so I'm thinking he's definetely not just being nice. Which is whatever except I don't want to start seeing anyone right now, especially someone from work. It would be nice perhaps to find someone in one of my classes, but I don't know if I would have time for that.
So work is going well. And today I had a presentation in one of my classes and KILLED it. I was sooo happy b/c I was the first person to present (the other students present throughout the term), and the book I was discussing was pretty dense and difficult to get through. So my prof, whom I really like, I actually think she's my favorite teacher, complimented me in front of the whole class. She said I did a really good job and said she gave me credit for the way I tackled the book, etc. I was very happy (especially because I had to ask to be in the class as I'm the only non English degree in the class, so I felt like I had something to prove and I proved it). Doing well on that presentation was probably the highlight of my week thus far. I am feeling very pleased about that, and tomorrow I am meeting one of my classmates for a drink after my night class.
So all in all I am doing well, just extremely busy with the amount of reading to get through; it's really never ending. 

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Things have been getting slightly better. On Tuesday, the first day I was supposed to work for the agency, I got my period, so obviously I couldn't work. But this ended up being a good thing because I decided I didn't want to just lay around waiting for it to stop and doing nothing, so I went to the biker bar I mentioned a couple posts back. The manager hired me; I didn't even have to audition! He just told me to put on my outfit, and then he took a picture and told me to come back the next day (Wenesday) at 9.
I just have to describe this place because it is so completely random and hysterical, but I really like it. First of all, it is on the outskirts of town, and I mean outskirts. The only thing next to it is a gas station and an auto-parts store. Walking there my first night, it was dark, no one was on the streets except some homeless people, and it was lightning in the background. If I was in a Lifetime movie, I would already have been dead in an alley somewhere. Luckily, that didn't happen, and I made it to work.
The place inside is small and there are motorcycles hanging from the ceiling. The "lapdance area" is basically just an alcove with leopard covered benches and a curtain separating it from the rest of the place. I spent the entire night trying to figure out if the bartender/barback was a guy or a girl; I still don't know! And most of the strippers are either fat, old, or covered in tattoos (I think tats on girls are super hot, but the city clubs won't hire girls with tons of tattoos). As The Honest Courtesan described Big Daddy's, it is a place where strippers go to die.
Reading this, one might think, why would anyone want to work here? Well, firstly, I am not trying to sound stuck-up, but I was probably the most attractive girl there. Not that some of the girls weren't good looking, especially if you are into tattoos, but if you aren't into biker chicks, I felt like I ranked pretty high up there. Which obviously is a plus. Second, I made $130 on a slow ass Wenesday night by basically doing nothing. In the city clubs, you have to work work work hustle hustle hustle and compete with the 40 other Russian girls, and the Russian are sharks. They will hustle a guy out of his last bit of change, and although I am not lazy, I'm also not a super hustler. Here, the strippers don't hustle, a lot of them just sit at the bar playing on their phones. Of course it was a slow night, but even the manager told me the girs weren't hustlers. So I don't have to work my ass off and compete to make a measly $100. Third, the way the girls make most of their money is on stage. The sets are 15 minutes long, and every couple minutes they get off stage, walk around the bar and collect money from the customers sitting at the bar, and get back on stage. I thought this was weird, but it makes sense once you do it. Usually, the guy at least tips a dollar to be polite and if he likes you he'll give you more. So it's like they are obligated to tip. If you did nothing else all night except your stage sets, then you are probably going to make at least $100 on a fairly busy night (at least from the way I saw it). Fourth, I love that it is so laid-back. There is not cunt housemom, no ridiculous rules, and you don't have to wear ridiculous long gowns that make you look like a slutty 17 year old at prom. In fact, if you did wear a gown you would be laughed at. So I can wear whatever I want. And finally, NO HOUSE FEES! Yes, I mentioned this before, but it is nice knowing that whatever you make you keep. And it's a fairly easy commute (except for the scary walk) both from where I live and from school. I actually went to work right after class Wenesday night. So I don't have pay cab fare. And I like that it is friendly and has a kind of neighborhood feel with chill regulars. I like the atmosphere of it and that it has personality. The city clubs are like the dancers they feature: impersonal, cold, and out to hustle you for every dollar in the form of house fees.
Also, one of the dancers there is super cool. We'll call her Alyssa. She showed me some pole tricks and we walked to the train together after work, which was nice because I would not have wanted to go by myself. She gave me her number and told me to text her once I got home so she knew I made it OK. It was nice to have someone to talk to and be friendly with. I think one of the biggest examples of female comaraderie can be found in strip clubs.
There are three ways you make money here. Like I said before, the main way is stage tips, but there are also lap dances and selling these tiny bottles of champagne. It's kind of unusual the way they do it. Dances are $20, and the way it works is for $20 the bartender gives you a chip. At the end of the night, you cash in your chips with the manager and get $10 from each dance; the house keeps the other 10. Which I know in other clubs you keep the full 20, but for no housefees I think it's fair, and then the guy usually will tip you on top of your dance. Wens. the guy I was dancing for tipped me a 20. Although he was so drunk I'm not sure if he knew it was a twenty. C'est la vie!
The way the champagne works is that there are these tiny bottles of champagne the club sells, and if a guy asks you what you want to drink you say champagne. It's $20 per mini-bottle, and for each bottle you sell you get a chip, and like the lap dances, you get $10 off of each bottle you sell. The whole thing is unusual and a bit funny; I remember giving the manager a weird look when he told me about the champagne thing. He thought I was worried and tried to reassure me that I didn't have to sell champagne if I didn't want to (basially no one has to dance anything here lol).
The only bad thing I can find with the place is the issue of scheduling. See, they make the schedule a month ahead, and the month of October is full, so since I'm new they have to squeeze me in whereever they can b/c there are only about 12 dancers per shift. The next day I work is Monday b/c there is was an opening, and I told the manager I'd like to get on a regular schedule for the month of November. So hopefully I can stick it out for the month of October and after that if I still like it (and it is honestly the most promising thing I've had since coming to NYC) I can get on a regular schedule.
So that's basically it for the club. I don't think I will go back to the agency,even after I'm done with my period, as I am not fully comfortable with the idea of escorting. It is really good money, a lot better than this club, but I don't think I would be comfortable with it. Now that I've found another way to make at least some form of income, I don't think I will go the escort route.
Also, the other good thing is I got hired for this work-study program where I tutor underprivileged kids how to read. It is a very reputable program associated with the university, and will look awesome on my resume. Not to mention I am excited, although a bit apprehensive, about tutoring 4 year olds. The program runs through the entire school year, and you have to be able to commit a certain number of hours to it, but it will be a good way to meet people and will keep me busy. As I told the lady who hired me, I like school, but I want something else where I can feel fulfilled and like I am doing something meaningful. And I did mean this; to me, teaching is very rewarding.
My interview was the day after my first night at work, so I got off work at 4 am (drunk, I might add), was at home by 5 am, and then woke up at 8:30 to go the interview. I didn't even brush my teeth and was rubbing off smeared black eye makeup in the bathroom before the interview. Then I came in to the interview and one of the questions was whether I was organized. Meanwhile, I am carrying my notebook which has 8 million papers sticking out of it b/c they fallen out and I had shoved them in haphazardly before getting on the train. But I guess she liked my answers and the essays I wrote for my application b/c I got an email saying I was hired only two hours after my interview :)
Annnddd after my gender studies class that night, I was walking by myself lost in my own little world, when this girl from class just popped up next to me and asked what I thought about the class. I felt as though she wanted to talk to me, like she had been waiting to ask me a question (maybe I am looking too deep into this though). So we ended up walking and talking for awhile, and I friended her on FB. So last night I sent her a message with my phone number asking if she'd like to get together some time. I felt like I was being kind of forward, as I don't usually message near strangers with my phone number, but as my friend from back home told me, she might be in the same boat as me and I figured it was worth a shot.
Yikes, I just looked at the clock and it is 1 in the afternoon and I have a shit ton of reading to do and that was the longest post EVER (I have a tendency to babble and describe every little thing)! Yesterday I was at the library for, I believe, 8 hours straight and got home at midnight. And I have to do the same thing again today. Grad school consists of a lot of extremely dense, complicated reading that's for sure!

Friday, September 24, 2010

"Critics are especially concerned with potential distractions for troops serving on the front lines in Afghanistan and Iraq if heterosexual troops would have to live and bathe in close quarters with gays." -from the Washington Post

Yes, heaven forbid we have to live with "the gays." Get a life people.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Oh boy, something (or someone) really pissed me off today and I just have to rant about it here. So you know how in my last post I mentioned sending a really long, rambling message to this guy about how unhappy I am here?
Well, I guess I am going to have to map out how I know him/ our whole relationship. Really, there's not much to tell. Basically, he really liked me, and he would come to the club I waitressed at and buy really expensive bottles of champagne, like $2,000, to try and get me into the champagne room with him. Because I was only a waitress, I wasn't technically allowed in the rooms unless the guy really spent the big bucks to get me in there, which this guy was willing to do. So I would get the commission off the bottle and he would tip me an additional 300 or so dollars. He did this a couple times, but I NEVER asked him to at all. Never even suggested it. In all honesty, it made me feel slightly awkward b/c I knew him outside the club and we had mutual acquaintences, but if he wanted to throw his money at me, who was I to stop him?
So we went out a couple times, and I just wasn't feeling it. The one thing I regret doing was that I stood him up a couple times. I ended up making it very clear to him that I wasn't interested, but we still talked and saw each other. The last time I saw him we went out to eat and he was a complete gentlemen, but just as friends. So I had assumed that things between us were cool, that he had let go of the fact that I wasn't into him and forgiven me for standing him up. He never gave me any reason to think otherwise.
So yesterday, in my state of depression, I emailed him asking what I should do and basically telling him a lot of things that I don't really feel comfortable telling anyone, like how I feel I have to rely on my looks to make money and how I am lonely here. Just things that I felt were very private that I don't like admitting. And like I said, it wasn't like we were bffs and I felt a little embarrassed for admitting all that to him, but I wasnt' expecting his response.
He emailed me back giving some practical advice about my lease and law school, then ended his response with this little gem: 
I must say I find it surprising that you were asking for my advice in such  serious matter. I never got the impression we were very close, and although I was clearly interested in you, you were equally clearly not interested in me. So I find it very odd that you would be asking me.
Or something like that; I'm actually paraphrasing as I was so mad I deleted the message as soon as I got it. Actually, not mad at first, but humilitated and upset and betrayed. I really trusted telling this guy and told him personal stuff about myself with the impression that we had left as friends. Clearly though, I'm not allowed to ask for his advice or help unless I've fucked him, which I was not going to do. And clearly his ego is still bruised from me rejecting him, something which I thought he had gotten over. I mean I love how I genuinely was just asking for his advice and some sympathy, and he brings up the fact that I rejected him, as though to point in my face and laugh.
I just feel like if you are depressed and making yourself vulnerable/exposing yourself to someone and they use that as an opportunity to get back at you for something you had no idea they were still upset about, then that is a very cruel and vindictive thing to do. I would LOVE to go back to New Orleans and give this d-bag a piece of my mind. For now, I've defreinded and blocked him on FB and deleted his number. I really just never want to look at him again.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Right. So I feel like my life is some weird joke or something. Idk even where to begin. I've been looking like crazy for a "real" job, waitressing, receptionist. Even unpaid internships! No luck. Yesterday I went on an interview to an Italian restaurant which went comically wrong.
And I didn't go back to the pimp guy. He called me a couple times and texted me but I didn't respond. I decided that what I was doing was not cool, and it was SO not a real agency or upscale in the least. So I was online last week and discovered this other agency. It looked like a real agency, with REAL pictures, and it seemed reputable, ie good reviews on TER, etc. So I emailed my pics and the lady emailed me back. After a couple correspondences we decided to meet at my apartment to take some pictures and she said I could start on Monday (this might not be possible though, as I feel like I might be getting my period, but I didn't mention that). The agency is based in FLA and she lives there, but she was in NY so she came to my apartment; she said usually they go to a place she has but she was in a hurry.
So I open the door; I had just stepped out of the shower, my hair was still in damp, and I barely had on makeup and had thrown on some horrible clashing combo of bright orange running shorts and a neon pink t-shirt. So 3 ppl are standing at my door: the lady that owns the agency (we'll call her Jen) and two guys, one of which looks slightly familiar and the other one is Hispanic and holding a camera. So Jen has looong dyed blonde hair, really tan, looks like she's had some work doe, and is wearing a tight black supershort dress, knee high hooker boots, and a jacket. And she starts talking in this really loud voice about pictures, and all I could think was that I didn't want my quiet, respectable neighbors to hear her. So the guy that looks familiar is sort of peeping in and she asks if he wants to come in and he goes "No, I'll wait outside." So Jen and camera dude come in and she starts clomping around my wood floors in her big high heels and all I could think was Oh God I hope the downstairs ppl don't hear her, b/c my landlady is a Nazi and they have really strict rules about not disturbing the downstairs ppl with noise, like heel clomping.
So Jen is clearly in a hurry and tells me to throw on a short skirt and heels and a bra, so I do, and then we start taking the pictures, and my apartment doesn't have curtains (I know I suck I have to get some), and the entire time I'm thinking Please don't let the across-the-street-ppl look out of their windows and see me taking ridiculous half naked pics. And then I'm also worrying about Jen's foot clomping, so really I just wanted to get the whole thing over with and Jen's telling me to smile and think sexy,and I couldn't. But it felt better than with Tom, maybe b/c Jen's a woman (and despite how I'm describing her she seemed OK, just a little brash/loud, but I guess in this business you have to be) or maybe b/c I'm in my own apartment or b/c it's daytime or whatever. It just had more of a professional feel to it. So anyways, Jen tells me the familiar looking guy is someone that we've all heard of, sort of a celebrity and sort of a joke, haha a celebrijoke. But it was SOOO ironic, I just was thinking "Wow I can't believe this guy was at my apartment and witnessed the beginnings of my climb towards becoming a prostitute." The first "celeb" I see in NYC, under circumstances I would never have imagined. Apparently Jen and him are friends.
So after we're finished Jen tells me that she's gonna have her associate meet me on Monday to discuss logistics. And then she welcomed me to her agency and left. Whew! It felt like a mini whirlwind in the form of Jen and her clomping boots and Hispanic photo dude with his big clicking camera and the "celebrijoke" had entered my apartment. So yeah, just thought I'd update everyone.
I had a freakout this morning and was seriously considering leaving NYC and I emailed this guy I know from NOLA and told him I wanted to go back and drop out of NYU and reapply to law school. This guy used to like me alot, I'm sure he won't after my hysterical email, though. He is a lawyer and went to the same law school I would have gone to and is well-off and has his shit together.Oh god...I also told him I was thinking of becoming a stripper. Very embarrasing. It was one of those moments when you tell someone a whole lot of stuff b/c you're just freaking out and after you do it, you're like wow I can't beleive I admitted all that. So yeah I don't want to check my message b/c I don' want to see his response.
I also hung out with the ONE person I know from NYC, he is going to Columbia for grad school and I know him from my hometown. I told him I wanted to drop out; he said I should wait out the semester and see if it improves.
I just keep thinking that being this miserable and lonely and doing what I'm about to do b/c I can't get a normal job isn't worth being in school for. And the thing is, I mean my classes are enjoyable, but they're not even that challenging. Sure, the discussions we have make me think and I always contribute something, and the books are challenging, although very obscure and dense and philosophical, but it's not like I'm super busy with school or it occupies that much of my time. Like law school, it was people's LIFE like they lived, breathed, ate, slept law school. And in undergrad, I was always super busy with school and classes. Here at NYU, I'm not. School just kind of seems like an afterthought.
Whatever I'm gonna shut up and go read for class now.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Right well, last night was interesting, I guess. So Tom called me and asked if I was coming and I told him I was, even though if he hadn't called I probably wouldn't have gone b/c I was v. nervous. Honestly, I almost started crying on the way to the place. Like I honeslty thought I would be with a customer and just burst into tears. Anyways, once I got the place he told me to go, I called him and he told me the apartment. So I go into the building and it's just him, so of course I am thinking he's going to rape me or sell me to be a sex slave in the Middle East or whatever (I have an overactive imagination, I'm always thinking of the most awful scenario.) He told me the other girl didn't show up so it was gonna be just me. And then he kind of got into more details about what exactly was gonna happen. He said that he had ads in the back of the Voice and on which I had never heard of, but it's this site that's like Craigslist except they allow the sexual stuff (remember Craigslist banned that). So people call on the cellphone and I answer it and tell them the first location. Once they are at the first location, I tell them the apartment. This is when Tom leaves. It was funny; it asked him if he was gonna be there when the customer shows up and he laughed and was like "Um no that would spoil the mood if I was in here watching the whole time." Then once they are at the apartment, they have to call AGAIN so I can buzz them up. So once they get up, I have to ask them to take off their coat, and if they don't or are weird about it, that's a sign that something is up. So once they take off their coat, I ask if they want a half hour or an hour and then they give me the money. Then I call Tom and tell him that it's good and then we begin. Somtimes they have a phone girl that the calls get forwarded to but a lot of times I'm the one answering. So after that, I went into the bathroom to change into an outfit so he could take pics fr the ads. I really hate taking pictures, esp. ones that are supposed to be "sexy" because I feel like a retard. So then after that was finished, he asked if I wanted something to drink and we went to the liquor store to buy some vodka, and we talked along the way and I know it sounds weird b/c he's a pimp (even though I don't think of him that way, but really that's what he is when you get down to it) but he's actually very easy to talk to, well-spoken etc. So after we got some vodka we came back upstairs and he went to edit the pics and post them online. Then we kind of just sat around and drank and watched some stupid movie with Christina Ricci and talked. Yes, I know this is sounding funny, hanging out with your pimp and watching movies. Anyways, the first guy called and I went through the whole schpiel and had my first client.
But here's the problem. We had a phone girl for the first hour, which meant that I didn't have to answer the phone, but then her kid got sick or something and I was the one answering the phone, which is apparently how it is most of the time. First of all, I am sooo new to this, and I didn't really know the address the first couple of times or what to say. Like I would pause before telling him where to go or sound uncertain, which I would think can turn a guy off. Then, sometimes you get guys asking questions that I don't know the answer to. Like, can I do some blow at your place? Or they'll ask things about "showers" which is apparently a golden shower, where you pee on someone (don't ask, idk why anyone would want to be peed on, but apparently it's quite popular.) So I never know what to say to those guys and that doesn't sound very appealing when I'm unsure or keep pausing to ask Tom a question. Then what happened is I was with a guy and I got three different calls when I was with him. Obviously I can't answer thephone when I'm with someone and the by the time the guy leaves, the people that have called me will have already moved on to someone that is available. So I only had two guys last night, two half hours. And a lot of guys did call, but I'm not very good with the phone, so I think that's a big part of why I didn't do that well.
I have a lot more to say on all this, but I'm tired now and have to read for class. One thing I would like to say is that I think a lot of people (myself included) have this idea that escorting is glamorous and you get to go on dates with hot, wealthy guys and dress up and get expensive presents and whatnot. I mean, has anyone seen The Girlfriend Experience? But to get to that sector of the business you really have to build up your game. A lot of girls really are just working for guys like Tom or posting their ads in the back of the newspapers. And there are a lot of independents, or what Tom calls "weekend warriors" which is like girls working in retail that just decide to post ads for a little extra money on the side. It's really just prostituton by another name. I'm not sugarcoating this at all or trying to give anyone a false idea.
But like I said, I think that there is defintely potential to make a shit ton of money and move up in this industry and become one of those "high class escorts' but it's not something that's easy, like a lot of girls think. Again, I know I'm repeating myself, but a lot of "agencies" are really just one guy, like Tom, and they post ads to make you think you'll be glamorously acccompanying some rich dude to dinner when really you're just having sex in an apartment. Or like I thought some really high class agency would hire me right off the bat. No. I don't think it usually happens like that. And a lot of the girls advertising on backpage are quite attractive. It's a lot of competition.
Anyways, I told Tom I would work Monday night again. Also, this one agency that actually seems pretty legit emailed me and I am supposed to have a phone interview with them tomorrow. They also only charge 230/hr., but half hours aren't an option, like they are with Tom. Also, they have an actual website, which Tom doesn't, and they do outcalls as well and they have drivers. So that seems more promising. Plus they have girls that answer the phones for you. So if I get hired, which I'm assuming I will because they said they like my pics, then I will start working for them.
I think one of the major things holding me back from charging higher prices is my weight. I am definetely not fat or even chubby, and a lot of guys love my body, but I do have thighs and my belly could use some toning. A lot of the premium agencies only hire super skinny girls or girls that really have banging bodies. I gained weight living in NOLA, but if I lose around ten lbs. I would be back to having a really good body and could start charging more.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Right so. I found another agency. Truthfully, I don't feel too great about this whole business, but I figure I have to pay the rent and it is hard to find jobs in NYC. Moreover, if I did manager to snag a job, I would be working my ass off and still barely afford rent. Aaahh the travails of a grad student in NYC.
I am going to be perfectly honest right now: I have not had sex with more than 3 ppl (2 if you only count guys) and only one of those was for a prolonged period of time, the first guy was one time. I am very naive when it comes to sex, so maybe this is not the right line of work for me. But I should at least try, right? I just hope I don't hate myself in a year or get depressed or something. Or get a cocaine addiction.
Anyways, it appears that being an escort is a highly sought after job in NYC; I emailed SO many agencies with my info and stats and only a couple called me back and those weren't even the really high class ones. And I am not ugly! I mean I'm not Giselle, but I would consider myself fairly attractive, well-educated, etc. So I thought it would be easy. I mean, how many girls want to be whores anyway? Well, I guess a lot. Like everything else in NYC, escorting is super competitive.
So the one guy emails me back right after I sent in my info and tells me where to meet him and when I am there I should call him. I am a little wary of this because it seems weird to just hang out somewhere and call some guy so he can meet you. I mean, what if never shows or try to drag me into a warehouse or something? So I take a cab and call him and comes over in a couple minutes. The guy (let's call him Tom) is black, fairly light skinned, bald, 30s, little chubby, and dressed in  light blue botton down dress shirt and jeans. So we sit down to get sushi and he starts talking. He is very well-mannered and well-spoken. He asks me if I have done this before, I say no. He tells me that a lot of people think it's easy work, but not everyone can do it, so I nod and tell him I'm just trying it out.
So we talk and I ask questions. This is what it amounts to: It's an incall agency, where the guys come to you. In an apartment building, so there's only one client at a time (the building is in a nice area, not ghetto or anything). There's only a couple girls at a time working (tonight, just two, me and someone else). He told me this was so the girls can make money, which makes sense. If there's too many girls, no one makes money. The split was 50/50; a half hour is 160 and 225 for an hour. This actually seems pretty cheap to me from what I've heard in NYC, so I am feeling like I am a little on the low end. But then, I am begining to get the impression that to charge extragavant amounts of money or work for a really upscale agency, you have to either be experienced or a model, something like that. Or you have to know people and get references. He says he will call me at 10 tonight so we can go the building and this other girl is supposed to be there. So we'll take pictures and then I can get to work.
Then we talked some more; he told me he started his first agency 14 years ago, then went into the corporate world. Two years ago, he lost his job when the economy tanked and he went back to running escort agencies. He said he gets a lot of requests from girl that want to work b/c they lost their jobs or whatever. Like I said, I never knew how big of a thing this was in NYC or how many girls there were out there doing this. Honestly, it seems like a lot.
So now I'm waiting for his call and trying to read History of Sexuality for my Genderr Studies class which isn't going too well b/c I don't understand any of it and I am wondering if I am supposed to It's making me feel really stupid.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Right, so after a whole day of worrying and wondering and analyzing over whether I am doing the "right" thing, I go down to the drugstore by my house. I buy condoms and Diet Mt. Dew. I think, "Maybe I should buy some lube," but then I decide not to because I go to this drugstore all the time, and I am embarrassed (I am actually quite introverted). So I go back to my apartment. I make myself a very strong drink consisting of Diet Mt. Dew and vodka and proceed to get dressed. I use wipes on my vag, spray on perfume, etc. The only thing I don't do is put on a ton of makeup, maybe b/c I am too nervous. Finally, I get up the courage to call Jerry the Pimp, once I have a good buzz going.
He asks me when I am available until, and I tell him midnight. He doesn't seem happy about this but acquiesces. He then proceeds to tell me he gets around 3 or 4 calls a night. I try not to shriek. THREE OR FOUR CALLS??? That's nothing! So, basically there is no guarantee I will be called on tonight. Ugh. I did not know this; I thought once I told Pimp Jerry I was available I would automatically receive a call/order/whatever it is.
So, now I am dressed up, made up, and liquored up with nowhere to go. I proceeded to email about 3 different agencies with my picture and info, because I have read that escorts can work for many different agencies at once, and now I see why. The last agency I contacted was by phone, because they have a number on their site. An older woman's voice answered and she called me sweetie and told me to call after 9 am tomorrow. I like that she calls me sweetie and that she is a woman. Maybe this is the kind hearted, wise madam I have been anticipating.
See, I was half dreading being called to work tonight, but I kind of pumped myself up for it. And now all that anticipation and prep will most likely come to naught. I mean, if I'm going to take the time and nerves to get ready, I might as well be getting paid for it! In the meantime, I shall be lolling about in bed awaiting a call which may or may not come.
PS. My class went well; everyone seems very smart/serious, but I guess that's how it is in grad school. Also, the only black person there was the instructor haha (I was nervous I wld be the only white person, clearly my worries were unfounded).
OK, soooo I got my pillz. Which explain why I'm up at 3:30 in the morning. Actually I haven't been sleeping that well in general, but I digress. My first class is tomorrow: African American Literary Crit and Theory. I'm super excited! I bought most of the text books for it and have been reading a couple books to catch up on my African American lit. Beloved and Their Eyes Were Watching God. I really don't want to be the only white girl in there who hasn't read anything of interest to the class.
Also, well, I don't know how to put this, but I've been thinking about being an escort. Not gonna go into details about why. So I emailed an escort agency a couple days ago. Some guy called me. I freaked out, then decided why not and called him back. He said his name was Jerry and he was very (deliberately) vague. Funny, but on the website it said the agency had the girl's "best interests at heart." Haha. I really don't think Jerry gives a shit about my best interests, but whatever. I keep imagining some gross guy in a windowless office eating a Big Mac. He told me it was a "full service agency," (love the pseudonyms) and asked if I was OK with that. I said yes. Then he told me he would call me and give me the name and number of the meeting place, and I was to call him when I got there. It's a 60-40 money split, so I get 300 if it's 500 an hour. When I asked him how I would get him his share of the money, he told me I would wire it to his bank account.  I told him I could work tomorrow. And that was it.
I was imagining some big todo where I go to the agency (I even had my outfit planned out!) and they interview me and ask me to pose for pictures for their website. And some kind hearted, wise madam explains to me the tricks of the trade. But no, instead I get a phone interview with Jerry the Pimp.
Well, this may be the stupidest idea of my life; I know that I am young and naive. I am aware of that. I am also aware that I may hate it so much and be so grossed out that I never want to do it again. In all honesty, the two scenes that keep popping into my head are that of Christian Bale in American Psycho mutilitating prostitutes, and images of Cops, where policemen bust into a hotel room and arrest everyone on site. Comforting.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

OK I have a confession to make. Not that anyone really reads this so I'm not really "confessing" to anyone except myself. But I am feeling like I have an addiction to Adderall. Or Ritalin or Vyvanase or even the Daytrana patches (basically all ADD drugs). And I know for a lot of people Adderall is synonymous with college students cramming for finals, not like cocaine or even painkillers or Xanax or whatever. Most people know it as just a "study drug."
Well that's how it started for me. I was in my second year of college and I had a  waitressing job where I wouldn't get home some nights till 1 or 2. And of course being the overacheiver that I am, I was taking a full course load with the hardest professors I could fnd and the hardest classes. If a professor was mean or hard or whatever, then I had to take him.
So anyways, one night I had gotten home from work and was freaking out because I had a paper to write and I hadn't written it. Something like that. I'm pretty sure the class was Latin American history. Anyways, I'm freaking out, and I was friends with this girl; she was this hippy chick that ended up dropping out to go white water rafting. Really smart and cool and not like my usual friends. So I was freaking out to her and she says she knows this guy that can sell me Adderall to help me stay up.
Well up until that point I had never even smoked weed. Maybe one time. And I had done cocaine one time. And that was it. The only thing i did was drink. I didn't even smoke ciggarettes. But I was desperate to finish my paper so I said OK send him up. So she called up her friend and I bought a couple pills off of him, really low dosage. I remember going into the bathroom at the end of the hall and feeling rebellious and a little scared b/c like I had said, I had never really done drugs before. So anyway, I took one of the pills and within minutes I was feeing wired, like I could totally take on this paper, no problem! So I finished the paper that night and felt great. It was awesome! I felt totally motivated to do my schoolwork, my brain was on overdrive; it wasn't a chore to do my hours of tedious schoolwork anymore!
So that whole year, I kept taking Adderall to study. But I would only take it when I really needed it, like when I had gotten off work at 2 in the morning and had ten pages to write or when I was on debate team and had a major case to research before a debate. It was really like an emergency only type thing. Then the next year came and I started taking it again, only this time I was also studying for the LSATs to go to law school, so I started taking it more often. It wasn't like an emergency only type thing anymore, it was more like I have a big paper to write, I'll just pop an Adderall. Or I have to study for the LSATs, I'll take an Adderall. And I loved it. I remember being at the library until 3 or 4 in the morning during finals (I went to the big university library which was open 24/7 during finals, I know I'm such a nerd) and being on this great high, just studying way late int the night and feeling super productive. And then on top of that I would buy a huge coffee and Red Bull at the 7-11 across the street. Crazy, but like I said, I loved studying so late and then driving back hometo my apartment at like 3 in the morning, just coming off the high. It was very solitary and isolated coming back home, but I liked that. I was wayyy into school, so I never did any party drugs like coke or Ecstasy, not that this matters, but to me, the Adderall use justified itself because I was using it to further my education, just like my parents wanted, and to get into law school. I was using it to become succesful. It wasn't like i was taking some party drug to get fucked up; I was being productive, so it was OK. So, by the end of the year, my last semester, I had basically started relying on the drug just to study. I think a lot of this wasdue to the fact taht it was my last semester and I had already been accepted  to law school, so I was just kind of trying to finish up the school year. But yeah, I had gone from using it for emergency only situations to just doing my schoolwor stuff that I didn't technically need it for.
Anyway, I moved to NOLA to start law school. Like you must have figured from reading this thing, I never ended up going. I decided law school wasnt the right path for me, at least not at that young of an age (I was 21 at the time, graduated a year early), so I took a year off and waitressed at the strip club. Ironically, working at the strip club I wasn't doing Adderall.
Sometimes, though, what i would do is steal Concerta from my roomate. You see, my roomate had ADD and was taking Concerta, basically this really shitty drug that didn't do anything for me. It was nothing like Adderall, but it was the closest thing I had. It would make me get a high and get me pumped for work when I was doing my makeup, but after the first couple hours of my shift, it would wear off and I would get really tired and irritated. Sometimes I felt like I was better off without the Concerta, but I would still steal it sometimes. I think part of the reason was mental, honestly. I felt like if I took it I wouldn't get tired, but really I don't think it made that much of a difference. So anyways, I couldn't get my hands on any "real" ADD drugs, but I still wanted them. So after my year in NOLA, I moved back home before going to NY. I called my old drug dealer, the guy that had originally sold me my first Adderalls, and asked if he had any. He said no, but called me a couple weeks later and said that his friend had some Vyvanse. Vyvanse is this new drug on the market that is manufactured by the same company as Adderall but has some chemical differences, plus it lasts a lot longer (like 11 or 12 hours).  So I had never taken any Vy but ended up buying the 14 pills off of this kid because I hadn't had any actual ADD meds for a year.
I bought the Vy right before I visited NOLA for a couple weeks; I went back to say hi to everyone, dance, and make some money before moving to NYC. I figured I could take the Vy while dancing and it would get me pumped throughout the night and give me more energy. I was definetely right! Remember, in NOLA strip clubs and bars can be open as late as 6 in the morning or later. So,anyways, I took the Vy before work and it helped so much. I was always pumped to be talking to these guys and if someone rejected me, it was easier for me to brush it off, because the Vy (and any other ADD drug) makes you feel like you are awesome, king of the world. If something bad happens, it's easier to just let it go. After dancing in NOLA, I came back home and still had a couple Vy left, so I took them when i was at home hanging out. Before, I would always save my Adderalls for academic stuff, but not i was just taking them to feel good during hte day.
So, as everyone knows, I moved to NYC. Lemme tell you, it hasn't been easy. I don't know anyone here and it's lonely, I don't have a job and school hasn't started so it's hard for me to meet people. Anyways, my friend called and told me he had some Vy last week, so I sent him the money for 20 pills in a bday card and he sent me the Vy on Monday night, I'm pretty sure. Now before someone calls me stupid for giving the money to him b/f I got the drugs, I trust this guy. I've known him for awhile and we talked for a long time after he called me to tell me he received the money. I'm not worried about him fucking me over, but I'm just freaking out b/c what if the Vy got lost in the mail or it got returned to sender or whatever. I feel lilke I'm going insane, I checked my mailbox three times today, even though he only sent it on Monday but it's Wenesday today. I feel like I should've gotten it today and I'm freaking out! I just really want my Vy b/c I feel like once I take it I will be not so lonely and be able to get my ass off the bed and walk around and be productive and help me write. I'm working on a book right now and the Vy really helps me with that. But I am soooo nervous b/c I am scared it got lost or something and I'm not gonna get it. And so I've confined myself to my apartment, just lieing on my bed for the past couple days, eating and being gross and just waiting for the Vy to come in. And yes I know I sound like a crazy person but I can't help it. I think part of it is that classes haven't started yet so I don't really have anythin to focus me at the moment, but literally last night I stayed up ALL night wondering if i was gonna get the package, then I came downstairs and checked my mail at 8, 11,  and 12 and no package. And now all I can think about is what if it got lost, even though he sent it on Monday night. But still! Usually packages take only 1 or 2 days to get to NY from PA. And plus, he told me that on the package he labeled it his "his name, in c/o my name." See, c/o means "care of" so in case someone notices there are pills in the package, it will look like he's sending the pills to himself in "care of" me. Pretty sneaky, but I'm getting so paranoid that I'm thinking maybe the mailman doesn't know what c/o means and just sent the package back to the sender. Or like I said, it got lost or something. So yea, I'm freaking out, can't leave the house, I feel fat, and bleegh. I just really want that package to get here and I know I sound like someone out of Requiem for a Dream, but this is just how I feel at the moment. In despair and like the package will never get here. Ugh, had to get that off my chest.