Wednesday, September 1, 2010

OK I have a confession to make. Not that anyone really reads this so I'm not really "confessing" to anyone except myself. But I am feeling like I have an addiction to Adderall. Or Ritalin or Vyvanase or even the Daytrana patches (basically all ADD drugs). And I know for a lot of people Adderall is synonymous with college students cramming for finals, not like cocaine or even painkillers or Xanax or whatever. Most people know it as just a "study drug."
Well that's how it started for me. I was in my second year of college and I had a  waitressing job where I wouldn't get home some nights till 1 or 2. And of course being the overacheiver that I am, I was taking a full course load with the hardest professors I could fnd and the hardest classes. If a professor was mean or hard or whatever, then I had to take him.
So anyways, one night I had gotten home from work and was freaking out because I had a paper to write and I hadn't written it. Something like that. I'm pretty sure the class was Latin American history. Anyways, I'm freaking out, and I was friends with this girl; she was this hippy chick that ended up dropping out to go white water rafting. Really smart and cool and not like my usual friends. So I was freaking out to her and she says she knows this guy that can sell me Adderall to help me stay up.
Well up until that point I had never even smoked weed. Maybe one time. And I had done cocaine one time. And that was it. The only thing i did was drink. I didn't even smoke ciggarettes. But I was desperate to finish my paper so I said OK send him up. So she called up her friend and I bought a couple pills off of him, really low dosage. I remember going into the bathroom at the end of the hall and feeling rebellious and a little scared b/c like I had said, I had never really done drugs before. So anyway, I took one of the pills and within minutes I was feeing wired, like I could totally take on this paper, no problem! So I finished the paper that night and felt great. It was awesome! I felt totally motivated to do my schoolwork, my brain was on overdrive; it wasn't a chore to do my hours of tedious schoolwork anymore!
So that whole year, I kept taking Adderall to study. But I would only take it when I really needed it, like when I had gotten off work at 2 in the morning and had ten pages to write or when I was on debate team and had a major case to research before a debate. It was really like an emergency only type thing. Then the next year came and I started taking it again, only this time I was also studying for the LSATs to go to law school, so I started taking it more often. It wasn't like an emergency only type thing anymore, it was more like I have a big paper to write, I'll just pop an Adderall. Or I have to study for the LSATs, I'll take an Adderall. And I loved it. I remember being at the library until 3 or 4 in the morning during finals (I went to the big university library which was open 24/7 during finals, I know I'm such a nerd) and being on this great high, just studying way late int the night and feeling super productive. And then on top of that I would buy a huge coffee and Red Bull at the 7-11 across the street. Crazy, but like I said, I loved studying so late and then driving back hometo my apartment at like 3 in the morning, just coming off the high. It was very solitary and isolated coming back home, but I liked that. I was wayyy into school, so I never did any party drugs like coke or Ecstasy, not that this matters, but to me, the Adderall use justified itself because I was using it to further my education, just like my parents wanted, and to get into law school. I was using it to become succesful. It wasn't like i was taking some party drug to get fucked up; I was being productive, so it was OK. So, by the end of the year, my last semester, I had basically started relying on the drug just to study. I think a lot of this wasdue to the fact taht it was my last semester and I had already been accepted  to law school, so I was just kind of trying to finish up the school year. But yeah, I had gone from using it for emergency only situations to just doing my schoolwor stuff that I didn't technically need it for.
Anyway, I moved to NOLA to start law school. Like you must have figured from reading this thing, I never ended up going. I decided law school wasnt the right path for me, at least not at that young of an age (I was 21 at the time, graduated a year early), so I took a year off and waitressed at the strip club. Ironically, working at the strip club I wasn't doing Adderall.
Sometimes, though, what i would do is steal Concerta from my roomate. You see, my roomate had ADD and was taking Concerta, basically this really shitty drug that didn't do anything for me. It was nothing like Adderall, but it was the closest thing I had. It would make me get a high and get me pumped for work when I was doing my makeup, but after the first couple hours of my shift, it would wear off and I would get really tired and irritated. Sometimes I felt like I was better off without the Concerta, but I would still steal it sometimes. I think part of the reason was mental, honestly. I felt like if I took it I wouldn't get tired, but really I don't think it made that much of a difference. So anyways, I couldn't get my hands on any "real" ADD drugs, but I still wanted them. So after my year in NOLA, I moved back home before going to NY. I called my old drug dealer, the guy that had originally sold me my first Adderalls, and asked if he had any. He said no, but called me a couple weeks later and said that his friend had some Vyvanse. Vyvanse is this new drug on the market that is manufactured by the same company as Adderall but has some chemical differences, plus it lasts a lot longer (like 11 or 12 hours).  So I had never taken any Vy but ended up buying the 14 pills off of this kid because I hadn't had any actual ADD meds for a year.
I bought the Vy right before I visited NOLA for a couple weeks; I went back to say hi to everyone, dance, and make some money before moving to NYC. I figured I could take the Vy while dancing and it would get me pumped throughout the night and give me more energy. I was definetely right! Remember, in NOLA strip clubs and bars can be open as late as 6 in the morning or later. So,anyways, I took the Vy before work and it helped so much. I was always pumped to be talking to these guys and if someone rejected me, it was easier for me to brush it off, because the Vy (and any other ADD drug) makes you feel like you are awesome, king of the world. If something bad happens, it's easier to just let it go. After dancing in NOLA, I came back home and still had a couple Vy left, so I took them when i was at home hanging out. Before, I would always save my Adderalls for academic stuff, but not i was just taking them to feel good during hte day.
So, as everyone knows, I moved to NYC. Lemme tell you, it hasn't been easy. I don't know anyone here and it's lonely, I don't have a job and school hasn't started so it's hard for me to meet people. Anyways, my friend called and told me he had some Vy last week, so I sent him the money for 20 pills in a bday card and he sent me the Vy on Monday night, I'm pretty sure. Now before someone calls me stupid for giving the money to him b/f I got the drugs, I trust this guy. I've known him for awhile and we talked for a long time after he called me to tell me he received the money. I'm not worried about him fucking me over, but I'm just freaking out b/c what if the Vy got lost in the mail or it got returned to sender or whatever. I feel lilke I'm going insane, I checked my mailbox three times today, even though he only sent it on Monday but it's Wenesday today. I feel like I should've gotten it today and I'm freaking out! I just really want my Vy b/c I feel like once I take it I will be not so lonely and be able to get my ass off the bed and walk around and be productive and help me write. I'm working on a book right now and the Vy really helps me with that. But I am soooo nervous b/c I am scared it got lost or something and I'm not gonna get it. And so I've confined myself to my apartment, just lieing on my bed for the past couple days, eating and being gross and just waiting for the Vy to come in. And yes I know I sound like a crazy person but I can't help it. I think part of it is that classes haven't started yet so I don't really have anythin to focus me at the moment, but literally last night I stayed up ALL night wondering if i was gonna get the package, then I came downstairs and checked my mail at 8, 11,  and 12 and no package. And now all I can think about is what if it got lost, even though he sent it on Monday night. But still! Usually packages take only 1 or 2 days to get to NY from PA. And plus, he told me that on the package he labeled it his "his name, in c/o my name." See, c/o means "care of" so in case someone notices there are pills in the package, it will look like he's sending the pills to himself in "care of" me. Pretty sneaky, but I'm getting so paranoid that I'm thinking maybe the mailman doesn't know what c/o means and just sent the package back to the sender. Or like I said, it got lost or something. So yea, I'm freaking out, can't leave the house, I feel fat, and bleegh. I just really want that package to get here and I know I sound like someone out of Requiem for a Dream, but this is just how I feel at the moment. In despair and like the package will never get here. Ugh, had to get that off my chest.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Franki. Go for a walk, my girl. Go walk around the Village on a warm summer night, eat a pizza, do something. Get out of your apartment. No offense, but you are acting like an addict, sitting around waiting for your pills, and that is no good.

    I'm not going to lecture you about pills. I think most of us take them. The work is too hard otherwise. Lots of girls need uppers to keep up energy and confidence. I'm the opposite. I need sleeping pills or else I'm too wired after work.

    But you have to keep it under control. It sounds like you're young. I'm almost 30, and for a decade I limited myself to moderate use of one prescription drug, but that's it.

    How long have you been stripping? Good luck to you.