Friday, October 8, 2010

I lovelovelovelove my Gender Studies class. It is the most intense class I have ever had, and every time I leave my brain feels like it's going to explode, but in a good way. The discussions we have are so intense and really open me up to other people's views or theories that I had never even knew existed. Like we are reading Gender Trouble by Judith Butler, and one of the theories she states is that gender is completely society based. As a society, we inscribe the meaning of gender on to someone and in a way "trap" people in that label. I definetely heard this before, but the way she said it and explained it made me see the issue in a whole new light. Just things like that.
After class, I went out with a couple students to a bar, although I almost didn't go which is funny b/c I've been complaining on here how I don't know anyone and it's so hard to meet people. But I think in a way I've grown accustomed to being by myself, so at first I was pretty hesitant to go, but I'm glad I did b/c I think my classmates are some of the most diverse, interesting people I've met, and it was really cool to hear their experiences and thoughts. It got me thinking about something, though.
Like I've mentioned before, I feel myself attracted to both guys and girls, but I am kind of strugglig with this. When I was younger, I would check girls out on the street, but I always thought that being gay was so horrible and wrong. This is funny, but I had kind of a crush on Princess Leia when I was little and I remember thinking about her naked for a split second, and it felt good, but my next thought was Oh my god this so wong. So I do think there is a part of me that is for sure attracted to girls.
BUT I am also attracted to guys; I enjoyed having sex with the one guy I've ever been involved with, and I honestly didn't like sleeping with the dancer from work. So I guess I feel confused, b/c I don't want to be one of those girls that is like "Oh, I'm so bisexual." or "Oh, I'm totally attracted to that girl." just because it's considered cool or risque or whatever. And I am very wary of getting into a relationship with a girl b/c I would hate to be with her for and then just figure out I actually am attracted to guys. I mean I think that's awful to use someone as your guinea pig. Like "Oh well that was fun, see ya!" I just would hate to be like that. And another thing is that no one would ever think I was attracted to girls just from looking at me or talking to me. People assume I'm 100% straight, which is a little frustrating. For example, when I went out with the people from class most of whom I was with were lesbian/bi girls, and I remember one of the girls asking another girl if she was straight or bi or whatever. And no one would ever ask me that b/c they just assume I'm completely not open to a girl-on-girl relationship, which isn't true. But I am very wary of identifying myself as attracted to girls b/c like I said before, I don't want to hurt someone and I feel like I am still figuring myself out, and I wouldn't want to, I guess, be "faking" my attraction? Just does make sense? But I don't think I am because I genuinely find myself attracted to females.
Anyways, another thing last night made me think about was the issue of guy-girl friendships. I was talking to the one guy in the group, who's very nice and cool and interesting and attractive, but I am not interested. We rode the train back together, and I could tell that he was interested and I really enjoyed talking to him. But that's the tricky part, b/c I feel like you can never be just friends with a guy. They are always going to want something more, at least in my experience. They are always going to want to be friends with you for another reason (ie to sleep with you) and that's not a real friendship IMO. B/c once you make it perfectly clear you will not be sleeping with the guy, he stops caring about you. For example, I was friends with this one DJ from work in NOLA, and he liked me a lot, and I loved hanging out with him. Really enjoyed it, but I was not attracted to him. And then he ended up finding a girlfriend, which was fine by me, but then he stopped hanging out with me. I mean, that's not a real friendship. I was talking to my mom about it, and she said that she didn't think it was possible for a completely platonic girl-guy friendship b/c there would always be an attraction from someone. And so I asked her if that meant that men were only supposed to be viewed in a sexual way and she kind of got flustered and then admitted that yes, maybe. I think that sucks b/c there are a lot of guys I enjoy talking to and hanging out with (like the guy from class) but I just know that they are looking for something more, which I am not able or willing to provide.

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